What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:57
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im still living with it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She married twice! .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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When she asked me how she looked .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Put me off passion for life!!
Would this be the day?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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Ive learnt so much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Comes on , in middle age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She loved him until the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She wouldn,t have been !
She was in good health!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
All the time i was locked up.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So whats the point in blame.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Who then, do I blame.?
We all went to grammer schools
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So, i spoilt her more .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He knew the spot.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My life is so biszare .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was scared of men, in general
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I write beautiful poetry .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!